My wife and I are coming up on five years' of marriage, and I've been thinking about what I've learned from the experience. Big lesson No. 1: Negative reinforcement doesn't work well outside of business. Yeah, Apple CEO Steve Jobs gets his workers to produce beautiful products like the iPhone by yelling, screaming, and firing (read his recent write up in Wired). But that doesn't translate to scenarios where your relationship is not based on quid-pro-quo. Take church, for example. I once read that church-growth guru John Maxwell asked staff to leave if they wouldn't commit to meeting growth targets. Hopefully, the church staff that worked to meet Maxwell's goals didn't do it just to keep their jobs. For me, I submit to my pastor because I want to, not because he threatens me.
More than anywhere else, this principle is true in marriage. If you want your spouse to change, you can't gripe and whine all the time. When my wife yells at me for tracking dirt onto our floor, it just makes me pissed off. When I pressed her to take a part-time job, she only became more stubbornly unreasonable. Thankfully, both of us are learning what makes the other tick--what motivates and what leads to a reciprocal desire to please. Sacrifice motivates. Thoughtfulness motivates. Unconditional love motivates.
Any thoughts on what motivates you at work, in church, or in your marriage?
3 comments:
Give someone enough money and they'll do anything.
:-)
i agree.
i think that you should listen to my conversations with mom more often...
:)
You're absolutely right - negative reinforcement doesn't work. And, as a management specialist, I'd like to add that it really doesn't work in ANY situation. I think it should be used as a last-chance effort, but overall it creates bad feelings and lessened productivity.
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